moving on is a bitch

just finished watching “The Five Year Engagement”, and it made me sad. most of the time, i do okay, but then the smallest thing that reminds me of him sets me off. in the movie, the couple had their ups and downs, broke up, had other relationships in between, but in the end, they still ended up marrying each other. the guy’s parents said, no couple is 100% right for each other, but if its the love of your life, you’re going to find a way to make it work.

it just hit a nerve, because i guess, him and i, we didn’t try to find a way. or maybe we did, just not hard enough. i have no doubts that the love was (and still is) genuine. I cannot find the words to describe it, but my heart knows what it feels. i guess in the future, we will both realize that this is really for the best, that we are not meant for each other, and things will work out better with our respective future partners. i just have to keep my mind focused on that, because up to now, i constantly have to keep on reminding myself why it is better for us to be apart (the details of which i shall refrain from posting. i don’t want to get into it any more now). i also told myself that i should stop from posting here, but letting it out helps. i don’t want to wallow in misery. i want to just write, dump all the feelings here, and then that’s it. which is a lot easier said than done, but it can’t be said that i am not trying.

in a video by wong fu productions, “Strangers Again”,

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in the ideal world…

i want…

> someone i can trust, respect, and be proud of

> someone who trusts and respects me and is proud of me

> a best friend. someone i can share everything with and who will feel he can share everything with me

> someone who will love me for who i entirely am, and won’t judge me or think any less of me because of my faults and mistakes

> someone i love completely, despite and maybe even because of his faults

> someone i can raise children with

> someone who inspires me to be a better version of myself

> someone genuinely kind, is not quick to find fault, is patient and open-minded

> someone with drive and ambition and the will to see these through

> someone who is not quick to give in to temptation

> someone who acknowledges that there all a lot of beautiful women out there, but he chose me and he is going to stick with his choice no matter what

 

random thoughts of what i want in  a man. i am sure there is a lot more i am forgetting. and i know that i also need to work on myself, on what i need to do or improve on be the best i can possibly be for my future partner.

 

 

 

 

 

realizations (?)

i want to get married. i want a family. i think i have known this since i was 17. i distinctly remember myself thinking that i don’t think i would ever choose my career over having a husband and  children. don’t get me wrong, i plan to work til the day i am 65. however, i am not one of those women who is so passionate about what i do that i am willing to prioritize professional advancements over starting a family. it sounds wrong to say this, but i don’t mean it in any negative way. i care about my patients, and i study a lot and work my ass of to make sure that they are getting the best care. its just that i have seen the “career thing” happen to so many doctors. medical school for nine years, residency for at least three, subspecialty training for another one or two, observership overseas, you name it. before you know it, you are in your thirties and very successful, but without a dash to your name. as a friend once said, seems like its easier to earn a lot of money than to find love. maybe its dawning on me all the more now, because i just broke up with the only guy i seriously considered being married to, and i am nearing my late twenties with no plans whatsoever of settling down. sure, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, but when is it too much? can it end, please? i am tired of the game. i just want to love and be loved – genuinely, completely, despite and inspite of my faults and weaknesses.

worst day ever

This is probably one of the worse days I have had in this life. I don’t know if some part of him will be glad that I am suffering, or he wouldn’t even give a damn. It sucks that I still care so much about what he thinks. There is a constant heaviness in my chest. It feels like there is a brick on top of it, continuously pressing. I kept myself busy throughout the day, but the crushing pressure never disappeared.

 

This situation is making me feel like I am a bad person. Maybe my head knows that its not true. I did not do anything technically wrong. I made out with another guy when we were broken up. I did not cheat on him. Yes, I lied. He asked me if I did anything with another guy and I couldn’t admit it. I did not know how. I was so scared of what his reaction was going to be. Maybe because I knew in my heart that he would not be able to accept me once I told him. Maybe I should be mad, I should think that its unfair. If our places were reversed, he would expect to be forgiven. He would say that we were not a couple, and I had no hold over anything he did. I know that, and still I feel so bad. I feel like I am dirty. I feel unworthy of his love.

 

All these are moot points now. I know I will never get him back. From how I know him, he will not even entertain thoughts of me and not give me the time of the day. It hurts even more than him hating me. I am not even worthy of his hate.

 

My sister says I have a tendency for self-blame. I don’t know if that is true. I hope not, but I am afraid that deep in my heart I know that it is.

 

Im trying to think of positive things. Maybe we were really not meant to be together, and this is the universe’s way of keeping us apart, before things get worse. I am so sorry for what happened, for how I made him feel.

 

I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. HE BROKE UP WITH ME. EVERY MOMENT, I WANTED HIM BACK. EVEN WHEN I WAS WITH ANOTHER GUY, HE WAS THE ONE I WAS THINKING ABOUT. I WAS REALLY REALLY LONELY, AND YES I DID STUPID THINGS TO GET OVER THAT LONELINESS. YES I GOT DRUNK. I TRIED DOING YOGA, READING BOOKS, WATCHING MOVIES, SHOPPING, EVERYTHING. I just wanted him to want me too. And I never had a clue that he did. he told me that when he made decisions, he stuck by them, even if they were wrong. And so I thought that it was really the end of us. That nothing I said or did would bring him back. And then I found out that he did. but it was after the thing with the other guy L crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap. I am so stupid.

 

Our relationship was not perfect. Please let me get through my thick skull the possibility that we are not supposed to be married. Its hard because he told me that he wanted to have children with me, and I want them with him too. I could imagine our life together, and I was even thinking about where we would live, how we would make our set-up work. I don’t know why he cant forgive me for a bad decision.

 

 

Why things wouldn’t have worked out:

 

  • He likes making fun of me. Sometimes I don’t know where the jokes end, and where he really feels/thinks that I am unattractive. He makes fun of my body, my hair, my teeth. I thought your boyfriend was supposed to make you feel beautiful, but I could count the times he was able to make me feel that. I never was an insecure person, but with him I felt that I had to prove myself, instead of feeling better about how I looked.

 

  • He likes independent women. I think I am not as independent as he would like. Yes, I know how to drive, so I am mobile, but I don’t like driving. I also am not comfortable with commuting and he knew that even before we became a couple. He made me feel like I was stupid sometimes, when I do not know how to do something or how something works. I learned a lot of things for our relationship. I drove to their place, I took the bus, braved the floods. And all those were okay, I even learned how to enjoy them ,especially since the end point would be him.

 

  • He made me feel like it was a crime to want to be with him. He always told me to live my own life, and I did. I did not lack friends, extracurricular activities, family time, work time. But I sometimes would wait for him to be available and hold off making plans with others. I think there is nothing wrong with that, with wanting to be with the man I loved. Yes there were times when I would get sad and pissed off when he was not available, but I learned to get over it. It was hard at first because this is my first serious relationship and I was just so excited about everything and I felt like I was in highschool with giddiness when I was with him, and I guess I wanted to feel that all the time, bordering on impractical.

 

  • There was a part of me that was always afraid that he would cheat on me. He told me that he believed that cheating was okay, normal, and something every relationship goes through.

 

  • He reminds me too much of my father (whom I do not like). He has a short-temper, which at the start I was exempt from, but eventually he would quickly lose his patience even with me. He believes he is always right in every argument, and when we disagree it would usually end with us at a standstill, or with me agreeing with his point of view. Sometimes I just shut up just for the argument to end, coz I know il never win in his eyes. His personality is so strong that it stifles mine. I am a strong person, but I sometimes can’t be when I am with him. Cant get a word in, not as funny as I usually am, not as sarcastic.

 

  • He doesn’t make me feel special. he doesn’t look at me and make me feel that I am the only woman for him. He makes me feel that I am replaceable, that one wrong move and he will get rid of me just like that. He makes me feel unworthy of his love sometimes, like I do a lot of things wrong, that even the things I did in the past are wrong.  Yes there are things I regret, that if time could be turned back I would not do again. But in a way all those mistakes helped shape me into who I am today. And apparently who I am today is not someone he can love or accept or respect.

 

  • I felt that I have given him everything. I know that I am very very far from perfect. But all I wanted was for him to accept me, flaws and all. Some of the things about him scared me, but I got over them because I love him and I wanted to trust him with my whole heart. I got really hurt when he broke up with me and I asked for him back three times and he kept on rejecting me. I did what I did to get over him. And I was so happy when I learned that he maybe wanted me back too. But now everything is ruined L why cant he forgive me?

insomnia attacks again

been up since 3 am, even though i took triple dose of melatonin. the only time i have slept well this past month was when i was with him. will i ever sleep well again?

maybe this is for the best. maybe we were never meant to be together. i hope the day will come when i can seriously and sincerely believe that. i hope that he is okay, that he will also eventually find happiness with a woman who is perfect for him. i tried to be that woman, and i know that he was the best person he could be with me too. i love him. i am really sorry. it was almost there, and i fucked it up 😦

fucked up

it feels like day one, all over again. i know i shouldnt have met up with you. i knew that going to your place. but i wanted to see you too much to stop myself. i was going through the motions for the past month. not a day went by that i didn’t think of you. maybe because i didn’t (and still don’t) know how to compartmentalize, majority of my waking thoughts have you in them. and you even invaded my dreams.

 

you are the first, and only, guy i have ever truly been in love with. i never knew it could be that way. it felt like and it still feels like you are a part of me. it doesn’t feel like i’ve known you only for a year, but my whole life. every little thing reminds me of you. it was a struggle not to mention your name in conversations. i want to share things with you, and i want know about your life and how you are. i find myself constantly thinking about whether you’re taking care of yourself; getting enough rest, exercise, etc.

 

i know i  made a mistake. it technically wasn’t, as my friends keep on pointing out to me, because we weren’t a couple at that time, but yes, it does feel like a mistake to me. i tried doing  a lot of things, some of them stupid, to get over you. i never thought you would come back to me. you said that when you let go, you let go, and stuck with the decision regardless of whether it was right or wrong. all the while, i just wanted you back. i know in my head that we weren’t perfect. we had our differences. there were things we didn’t particularly like about each other. but i thought that love was still the greatest part of what we had, and it was the most important, and it would translate to an amazing and successful and happy partnership.

 

it felt amazing to know that you wanted me back to. i didn’t have a clue. i didn’t think it was possible. i thought you closed your heart on me. now i feel that i may have made the biggest mistake of my life. i know that nothing can make you come back to me after this. it feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and is crushing it into a million pieces. i thought that was just melodrama, but apparently all those love songs and movies have a real-life basis. i feel dead inside.

 

i know you don’t want me saying sorry, but i am. i have a lot of regrets in life. bad decisions made, things that shouldnt have been done or shouldnt have been said. i admire that about you, that you never regret what you do. maybe you are made of stronger stuff than me. when you asked me before, if i regretted the things i did, i wanted to say yes. but i said no because i was afraid of appearing weak. i was embarrassed to admit that i, who is supposedly a smart person, has really done  lot of stupid things. even this relationship, which i said i would never regret because it has taught me how to love and has given me some of the best and happiest times of my life, i don’t know if i regret now. just because it hurts so so so so very much. im sorry that i am unworthy of you. i am sorry that you cannot love the person that i am. i tried to be the best person i could be, and i felt that being with you made me really want to become better. the past, i couldnt change. the things i did to help me get over you when we broke up, i regret, but i also couldn’t change. but what i did when we were together, the kind of girlfriend i was to you, the love and care that i gave you, i don’t regret. i tried to be enough for you. i tried to make you proud that you had me as your girlfriend. i tried to be the kind of woman you would be happy to have on your arm when we are with family, with friends, with colleagues. and i know i can be that woman. i can still be her, because the me whom you fell in love with is here, she is just waiting for you before she comes out.

all these are moot points now, i know. you will never want me back. i don’t know what to do to feel okay again.