it feels like day one, all over again. i know i shouldnt have met up with you. i knew that going to your place. but i wanted to see you too much to stop myself. i was going through the motions for the past month. not a day went by that i didn’t think of you. maybe because i didn’t (and still don’t) know how to compartmentalize, majority of my waking thoughts have you in them. and you even invaded my dreams.
you are the first, and only, guy i have ever truly been in love with. i never knew it could be that way. it felt like and it still feels like you are a part of me. it doesn’t feel like i’ve known you only for a year, but my whole life. every little thing reminds me of you. it was a struggle not to mention your name in conversations. i want to share things with you, and i want know about your life and how you are. i find myself constantly thinking about whether you’re taking care of yourself; getting enough rest, exercise, etc.
i know i made a mistake. it technically wasn’t, as my friends keep on pointing out to me, because we weren’t a couple at that time, but yes, it does feel like a mistake to me. i tried doing a lot of things, some of them stupid, to get over you. i never thought you would come back to me. you said that when you let go, you let go, and stuck with the decision regardless of whether it was right or wrong. all the while, i just wanted you back. i know in my head that we weren’t perfect. we had our differences. there were things we didn’t particularly like about each other. but i thought that love was still the greatest part of what we had, and it was the most important, and it would translate to an amazing and successful and happy partnership.
it felt amazing to know that you wanted me back to. i didn’t have a clue. i didn’t think it was possible. i thought you closed your heart on me. now i feel that i may have made the biggest mistake of my life. i know that nothing can make you come back to me after this. it feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and is crushing it into a million pieces. i thought that was just melodrama, but apparently all those love songs and movies have a real-life basis. i feel dead inside.
i know you don’t want me saying sorry, but i am. i have a lot of regrets in life. bad decisions made, things that shouldnt have been done or shouldnt have been said. i admire that about you, that you never regret what you do. maybe you are made of stronger stuff than me. when you asked me before, if i regretted the things i did, i wanted to say yes. but i said no because i was afraid of appearing weak. i was embarrassed to admit that i, who is supposedly a smart person, has really done lot of stupid things. even this relationship, which i said i would never regret because it has taught me how to love and has given me some of the best and happiest times of my life, i don’t know if i regret now. just because it hurts so so so so very much. im sorry that i am unworthy of you. i am sorry that you cannot love the person that i am. i tried to be the best person i could be, and i felt that being with you made me really want to become better. the past, i couldnt change. the things i did to help me get over you when we broke up, i regret, but i also couldn’t change. but what i did when we were together, the kind of girlfriend i was to you, the love and care that i gave you, i don’t regret. i tried to be enough for you. i tried to make you proud that you had me as your girlfriend. i tried to be the kind of woman you would be happy to have on your arm when we are with family, with friends, with colleagues. and i know i can be that woman. i can still be her, because the me whom you fell in love with is here, she is just waiting for you before she comes out.
all these are moot points now, i know. you will never want me back. i don’t know what to do to feel okay again.